Part V of the Book
The Birth of the Will - Where Personal Power Begins
Something extraordinary happens between the ages of one and three. The child who was entirely dependent on their caregiver begins to discover that they have a will of their own. They can say "no." They can walk away. They can choose. This is the birth of autonomy - one of the most important developmental milestones in human life - and how it is received by the child's environment will shape their relationship with personal power for decades to come.
In Part V of Elevating Your Origins to Love, Susan Drury explores the toddler years with the same depth and compassion she brings to every developmental stage. She explains how the brain, now transitioning from delta to theta wave dominance, is developing the neural circuitry for impulse control, emotional regulation, and self-directed action. The toddler is literally building the brain structures that will support their capacity for willpower, decision-making, and personal agency throughout their entire life.
How the environment responds to this emerging will is critical. When a toddler's autonomy is met with consistent, loving boundaries - firm enough to provide safety but flexible enough to honour the child's growing independence - the child develops a healthy relationship with their own power. They learn that they can assert themselves and still be loved. They learn that boundaries are not punishments but expressions of care. They develop what Erik Erikson called "autonomy without shame" - the foundation of genuine personal power.
When Autonomy Is Crushed or Uncontained
But when the toddler's emerging will is met with harsh punishment, shaming, or rigid control, something very different happens. The child learns that asserting themselves leads to pain, rejection, or loss of love. They develop what Susan calls "shame-based will" - a relationship with personal power that is contaminated by the belief that wanting, choosing, and asserting are dangerous. As adults, these individuals may struggle with chronic indecisiveness, people-pleasing, or an inability to set boundaries - all echoes of a toddler whose will was crushed before it could fully form.
"The toddler who was shamed for saying 'no' becomes the adult who cannot say 'no.' The toddler whose will was never contained becomes the adult who cannot contain themselves. Both patterns are calling for the same thing: a loving, boundaried presence that says, 'Your will matters, and you are safe.'"
Conversely, when a toddler's will is never contained - when there are no boundaries, no structure, no loving "no" from the environment - the child develops a different kind of wound. Without the experience of healthy limits, they may become adults who struggle with impulse control, who cannot tolerate frustration, or who unconsciously create chaos in their lives as a way of seeking the containment they never received. Susan explains that both extremes - the crushed will and the uncontained will - are wounds of the same developmental stage, and both can be healed.
The healing, as always in Susan's work, involves returning to the original experience with adult awareness and love. Through guided processes, you can meet the toddler within you - the one who was shamed for their "no" or the one who was never given a loving "no" - and offer them what they needed. This is not about re-parenting yourself through willpower. It is about bringing the quality of presence that the Tao Te Ching describes - firm yet yielding, strong yet gentle - to the part of you that is still waiting for it.
Patterns from the Toddler Years
Healthy Autonomy
When a toddler's will is met with loving boundaries - firm enough for safety, flexible enough for growth - the child develops a healthy relationship with personal power. They learn that asserting themselves and being loved are not mutually exclusive.
The Crushed Will
When autonomy is met with shaming or harsh control, the child learns that wanting and choosing are dangerous. As adults, they may struggle with people-pleasing, chronic indecisiveness, and an inability to set boundaries.
The Uncontained Will
When no loving boundaries are provided, the child misses the experience of healthy containment. As adults, they may struggle with impulse control, frustration tolerance, and unconsciously create chaos seeking the structure they never received.
About the Author
Susan Drury - Restoring Personal Power
Susan Drury is a transformational mentor and healer based in Vancouver, BC, who has spent over thirty years helping individuals reclaim their personal power. Her understanding of how the toddler years shape adult patterns of control and surrender is informed by neuroscience, developmental psychology, the Tao Te Ching, and her own healing journey.
Explore this work through private sessions, Susan's membership program, or the Elevated Body cards.
Learn More About SusanFrequently Asked Questions
How do the toddler years affect adult relationships?
The patterns of autonomy and control established during the toddler years directly shape how we navigate power dynamics in adult relationships - how we set boundaries, how we respond to authority, how we handle conflict, and how comfortable we are asserting our own needs.
What if I don't remember my toddler years?
You don't need to remember. The patterns are visible in your current life - in your relationship with boundaries, control, decision-making, and personal power. Susan's guided processes work with these present-day patterns to access and heal the original developmental experience.
Can these patterns really change?
Yes. Through neuroplasticity, the brain can form new pathways at any age. Susan's approach creates new neural patterns of healthy autonomy by bringing loving, boundaried presence to the toddler state that still lives within the adult nervous system.
Is this about blaming my parents for how they handled my toddler years?
Not at all. Susan's approach is rooted in compassion for everyone involved. Most parents do their best with the tools they have. Understanding these patterns is about healing, not blame - and about choosing to offer yourself now what you may not have received then.
Reclaim Your Will - Reclaim Your Power
Whether your will was crushed or uncontained, the healing is the same: a loving presence that says, "Your power matters, and you are safe." Let Susan guide you to that presence within yourself.