Today I just couldn’t focus on doing anything that my mind considered productive. Although I’m working on all sorts of projects, I felt no inspiration. Finally I decided to just get in the car and run errands.
As I drove, this not-feeling-very-good-about-myself energy became more present. I was sitting in this yucky self-judgement of… laziness. Self-indulgence. Unworthiness.
Part of consciously elevating ourselves, means being present to whatever we are feeling without making ourselves wrong. Suspending any negative self-judgement. So to catch myself right in the middle of blatant negative self-judgement, was a revelation! Suddenly I saw the mechanism of this sub-conscious, critical voice like a wicked stepmother yammering away, affecting my mood, self-esteem and level of self-satisfaction. And in that moment of clarity, realized the only thing keeping me from happiness or even joy, was my unconscious acceptance of its perpetual message: dis-satisfied, negative, putting me down, picking at faults, forever demanding I do/be more than I am doing/being.
Now I apologize to every wonderful stepmother out there, but this archetype is part of our collective human psyche, even if we haven’t directly experienced it out in the world. Every one of us has some version of that voice inside, telling us we haven’t done enough/been enough/suffered enough/worked hard enough etc etc. Catching it operating within myself, however, was nothing short of enlightening. Suddenly I had a choice: buy into it, or choose another perspective.
So even though that voice was still telling me to get my nose back to the grindstone, I decided to focus on a different tune – to unhook from that self-criticism and just feel good. For no reason. I deliberately kept tuning to a song of self-approval as I stopped for coffee; did some errands. Driving home, I continued to consciously align completely with being happy just because, and eventually it felt both honest and true.
Nevertheless, within my continued conscious choosing to feel good, that critical voice still played in the background – predicting I’d have to pay some price for this self-indulgence. But you know what? Nothing bad happened! In fact I felt better and better, as I kept gently but consistently tuning towards loving myself. Being kind to myself. Not buying into that wicked stepmother voice inside, and instead choosing self-approval. I didn’t have to eradicate or get mad at that voice, I could just choose to not let it run me, to not be the lens through which I measured myself. Happiness IS a choice I can consciously make. Anytime. And that, my friends, may not be world peace – but in my world, it definitely feels like it!
Susan Drury
https://www.susandrury.com