Part of consciously elevating ourselves, means being present to whatever we are feeling without making ourselves wrong. Suspending any negative self-judgment. But this is quite difficult isn’t it, when we are so used to these inner critical voices that run automatically?
Many of our default thoughts – those thoughts that just kind of go on and on in the background without us even noticing – tend to be negative. We experience many moments of criticism in the course of our lives.
Without meaning to, we constantly rob ourselves of inner peace. The conflicts we see in the world are reflecting what is happening for many of us within. What if we could make peace with ourselves instead?
What if we could give ourselves compassion instead of criticism?
It Is Safe To Be Compassionate
Secretly, this is one of the things we worry about. That being compassionate and kind to ourselves will cause us to go wrong in some way. We have learned that the way we correct something is through punishment, criticism and pain.
Love and compassion help us thrive. Dr. Kristin Neff actually conducted research showing that people who are more self compassionate are healthier and happier compared to people who are self critical.
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” (Thich Nhat Hanh)
Cultivating Compassion
Self-compassion practice, as defined by Dr. Kristin Neff, involves three core components:
Mindfulness
The first step towards being more self compassionate is mindfulness. It allows us to become aware of our thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness means paying attention to the present moment without judgment, enabling us to see things more clearly and respond kindly.
To become more mindful and aware, practice daily meditation. Even a few minutes in the morning and the evening, will go a long way toward helping you become more aware.
Self-Kindness in Action
When you catch yourself thinking negative things about yourself, ask whether you would say the same things to someone you love. Oftentimes, it is easier to be kind to others than ourselves.
As a practice, write a compassionate letter to yourself. Pretend you are someone else, maybe a good friend.
Recognize Shared Humanity
Realizing that all people go through hard times can make us feel less alone during difficult periods. Everyone suffers at some point or another throughout their lives and everyone makes mistakes. Everyone.
Helping other people is a great way to understand better how we are all dealing with challenges and difficulties.
A Compassionate Peace Process
If you have a few minutes now, here is a practice to help you find more compassion for yourself. You can return to this anytime you want.
Think of something about yourself that you struggle with. That you wish was different. That you can beat yourself up about.
If nothing comes to your mind about yourself (ha! Lucky you!), then think about someone else in your world who you struggle with. Who you wish was different. That you sometimes feel like beating up or running away from.
Now just sit comfortably and close your eyes. Allow the conflict to arise. Don’t fight it, don’t take sides, simply let it emerge in all its colors and contrasts. Look at it, give it space. If it grows bigger, give it more space. Expand yourself so that no matter how big the conflict or pain is, you have enough space to hold it all.
Don’t try to change anything.
Don’t try to fight or control or shove anything away.
Let all the feelings have their space.
Let all the oppositions be present. Let anything hidden feel safe to come forward.
Don’t take sides. Let all be allowed, all feelings honored.
If you are tempted to label one side as “bad,” gently withdraw that label and simply observe the feelings or past actions without judgement.
Notice anything you want to deny or disown, and open wider to allow it full presence.
Bring all the different parties to the same table; in openness and acceptance. Make all welcome.
Sit together, holding all of you in one enormous whole. Without judgement. Without distaste or revulsion. Simply allow and be present and appreciate.
You may notice that no matter how heinous the unwanted or “bad” aspects, there were reasons behind it.
You may start to clue into desires and longings that you have denied or thwarted.
You may begin to realize that the rigid rules or beliefs you ascribed to weren’t always legitimate or even true.
As you hold the space without judgment, you are making room for all aspects of yourself. All shades of who you are.
You are expanding your vision to encompass the bigger picture of yourself.
The integrity that is uniquely yours.
The realization that each moment of your life, each decision you have made, happened within an unfolding journey and felt legitimate at that time.
You may come to notice that it all makes sense – because it all does.
When understanding dawns, when we stop opposing parts of ourselves, we stop making war.
We become the source of peace.
I have just three things to teach:
Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in action and in thoughts,
You return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
You accord with the way things are.
Compassionate towards yourself,
You reconcile all beings in the word